Tweet

Hey all you wedding blokes. I'm not addressing the brides here, because I've never seen a bride make a speech yet, so if you are that bride, Please go somewhere else whilst your fiancee reads up on this lot.

Blokes pay attention! I've collected some of the funniest quotes to mix in with your speech and in case you're wondering whether they are well worn, Don't worry. I've done tonnes of weddings and I ain't heard any of them yet!

Here you go. Tuck into this little feast and don't say uncle Mike never does anything for you. OK?

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)
    
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. (Rita Rudner)
    
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)
    
There’s only one way to have a good marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married
again. (Clint Eastwood)
    
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henry Youngman)

A man walks up to a gorgeous woman in a large market and says, “Excuse me but, I’ve lost my
wife somewhere here in the market, could you talk to me for a few minutes?” “Why?” she asks.
“Well, whenever I talk to beautiful woman my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere.”

Here’s to our wives and lovers. May they never meet.
    
The most effective way to remember your wedding anniversary is to forget once.
    
There are only two times in a man’s life when he can’t understand a woman – before marriage and
after marriage.
    
We call him the exorcist in our house. Every time he comes around, he rids us of all our spirits.
    
It was an emotional wedding. The mother of the bride cried. Even the cake was in tiers.
    
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The
husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
    
Speech-making is a bit like prospecting for Black Gold. If you don’t strike oil in 10 minutes, stop
boring.
   
I’m told that the best speech makers follow three simple rules. Stand Up. Speak Up. Then, very
quickly, Shut Up. I’ll try to stick to that advice.
    
The brain is a wonderful thing. It never stops functioning from the time you’re born until the
moment you stand up to make a speech.
    
Why does a woman work for 10 years to change a man’s habits, and then complain he’s not the
man she married? – Barbara Streisand
    
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
    
I can honestly say that in all the years I’ve known him, no one has ever questioned John’s
intelligence. In fact, I’ve never heard anyone even mention it.

Man who sinks into woman’s arms, soon has his arms in woman’s sink. – Confucius

Best man speech: Tim and Patricia, what a wonderful day it is to be getting married. As we all know marriage carries many new responsibilities. Patricia, from now on, you must never argue or even disagree with Tim, because as we all know he is now the head of the family and the king of his castle. You must keep your hair, makeup, and clothes perfect at all times. You should always cook Tim’s favorite foods and encourage him to go out with his friends often. Do these few simple things and you will surely be blessed with many years of happiness. (Pause to let it sink in) Patricia, I know that Tim loves you very, very much… (Slight pause) because he spent a long, long time writing this speech for me. Congratulations to you both!

Marriage is a 3-ring circus - engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don't like to interrupt her.

My Wife Says I Never Listen, Or Something Like That.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won’t stop to ask directions!

Tweet

Just a quicky today. I just went to County hall in Chichester to have a photoshoot done for the only trading standards approved mobile DJ in Worthing or sussex for that matter! Lot's of poses were posed as expected and when I asked to look at the thumbnails on the photographer's camera I was a bit depressed, as it really appears to shows my age! I'm not hiding the fact that yes I am 45, but those flashes pick up on everything, especially on a bloomin' white background! Never mind, They should feature me in the magazine one day soon, so when they do, I'll scan it in and use it here for more shameless self promotion!

Playing at Landsdown hotel in Hove tomorrow night. First wedding disco of the year and a 6 hour long one. The only thing that bothers me is that it's a noise limited room, so I am going to have to have one eye on the box on the far wall all 6 hours to make sure I don't cut the power out. That's a shame. I'd rather be fully concentrating on everything else, like reading the crowd, choosing great tracks, mixing etc. Oh well, rough with the smooth eh?

Just included a link to my facebook page on my home page, as various customers have sought me out and requested to be friends. I must say I'm flattered, but it's not a commercial page, so it comes complete with the odd swear word where I get passionate now and then. People, you have been warned...

Have a great week and See you soon

Mike

Tweet

Hi all.  I was in Worthing library last week satisfying my thirst for knowledge and I came accross this book just before kicking out time: How to DJ properly by Frank Broughton and Bill Brewster. "Hmm" I thought. "Probbably not much I need to learn from that after 12 years of doing it" However, Curiosity got the better of me and I opened it up. I'm glad I did. True enough, After 12 years of mobile deejaying, there wasn't much I haven't done, but the book was so well written and downright funny. Not only that, it's nice sometimes to get a cold evaluation of what you do and why it's valuable to the end user. So here is the opening part of the first chapter entitled:

The craft.

Dj's track down greatness in music and squeeze it together, like a master chef who picks one perfect cherry from each tree to make his pie, a DJ condenses all the work and talent into a single concentrated performance. DJ's bring all the right things together. That's why we like them so much.

And they make it to measure. None of this off-the-peg, one-size-fits-all rubbish; when you hear a DJ play, you're getting a unique performance, exactly suited to the moment. Proper DJs don't just trot out a load of nice tunes, they think carefully about the time, the place and the poeple in front of them and choose something that's perfect.

This is the real skill of Djing and it doesn't come easily. Knowing music, finding music, understanding music is something that takes years. And once you've started there's no end. The real work of a DJ happens behind the scenes. Playing records is rarely hard work, but doing the research and amassing the knowledge to do it well is a full time job.

The other great task ahead of you is to learn about people. You know your own musical tastes; now you have to understand everyone else's. Not only that, but you must learn about their feelings - what makes them laugh and smile and dance and go crazy. Again, this takes time and experience. Your brain must record and tabulate the wildly different emotions the music can generate. A greet librarian knows which shelves the raunchiest, most revolutionary books are on; a great guitarist knows where all the good notes live. A great DJ knows which records make people lose themselves.

A musician, however legendary, is trapped by the limitaions of their instrument. But as a DJ you have the entire history of recorded sound to play with. Unlike a band, forced to plough through your back catalogue (again) through bad amplifiiers, you can choose from every artist, every track, every remix ever made and you can deliver them with clear, crisp studio perfection. You might pick just one track from an artists entire career, drive the crowd wild and dissmiss everything else in their repotoir as pointless. We don't doubt that the skill of the average musician is greater than that of the average DJ, but doubtless the DJ controls more musical power than the musician ever did.

As a DJ you become the focus for all the greatness in the music you play. All the emotional force, the lyrical, spiritual impact of your records gets reflected back to you - even if you're tired and slightly shitfaced and keen to see the end of the night. Track down some good tunes, patchwork them together and people act as if you've made all the music from scratch. It becomes truly your performance. "Curses" say the worlds rock stars. "Heres my room number" says the DJ.

Added to this is the jobs enviable cultural clout. The DJ is the taste maker, the discoverer, the champion of the new sound or scene. No musical movement can spread it's wings too far without the DJs approval. people write endless books about how Muddy Waters, The Beatles and Bob Dylan changed music. The truth is, they wouldn't have effected much beyond their own back yards without DJs playing their records. (edited)  Most new styles win through by the DJ trying to keep hold of the dance floor. His high maintainance lover.....

And so it goes on: with quotes from famous DJs on every page like this one on mixing out of a great track too quick from DJ Kool Herc (no, me neither) "I'm dancing with this girl, trying to get my shit off but the DJ's fucking my groove up. The whole party'd be like "Yaah what the fuck is that...? Why you took the record of there? That shit was about to explode. I was about to bust a nut." Obviously a man not known for holding back on his Critique..

Another great quote from the authors on going live from practicing: "Bedroom DJing is a lot like masturbation: There's no risk of upsetting your audience, but there's no one to cheer and scream when you get it right. So what's it like playing for a crowd for the first time? Well immagine you've been given the chance to have sex with loads of people when up until now you've been locked away in your room wanking away on your own."

Another one about building your set through the night: "Make sure whichever shape you go for, its a ride through the Himalayas and not a coach trip accross the Netherlands"

Nice to read about what you tought yourself to do all those years ago and realise that you've basically through hard won experience, got it right. DId I learn anything? Well sort of. I've been meaning to try out Harmonic mixing for ages and this book explains it in more detail than I knew from being an ex musician. Let's just see if the software that I've been using will finish the job of analysing the key of around 12 000 songs..

Have a great week,

Mike