Tweet

Hey all you wedding blokes. I'm not addressing the brides here, because I've never seen a bride make a speech yet, so if you are that bride, Please go somewhere else whilst your fiancee reads up on this lot.

Blokes pay attention! I've collected some of the funniest quotes to mix in with your speech and in case you're wondering whether they are well worn, Don't worry. I've done tonnes of weddings and I ain't heard any of them yet!

Here you go. Tuck into this little feast and don't say uncle Mike never does anything for you. OK?

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)
    
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. (Rita Rudner)
    
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)
    
There’s only one way to have a good marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married
again. (Clint Eastwood)
    
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henry Youngman)

A man walks up to a gorgeous woman in a large market and says, “Excuse me but, I’ve lost my
wife somewhere here in the market, could you talk to me for a few minutes?” “Why?” she asks.
“Well, whenever I talk to beautiful woman my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere.”

Here’s to our wives and lovers. May they never meet.
    
The most effective way to remember your wedding anniversary is to forget once.
    
There are only two times in a man’s life when he can’t understand a woman – before marriage and
after marriage.
    
We call him the exorcist in our house. Every time he comes around, he rids us of all our spirits.
    
It was an emotional wedding. The mother of the bride cried. Even the cake was in tiers.
    
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The
husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
    
Speech-making is a bit like prospecting for Black Gold. If you don’t strike oil in 10 minutes, stop
boring.
   
I’m told that the best speech makers follow three simple rules. Stand Up. Speak Up. Then, very
quickly, Shut Up. I’ll try to stick to that advice.
    
The brain is a wonderful thing. It never stops functioning from the time you’re born until the
moment you stand up to make a speech.
    
Why does a woman work for 10 years to change a man’s habits, and then complain he’s not the
man she married? – Barbara Streisand
    
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
    
I can honestly say that in all the years I’ve known him, no one has ever questioned John’s
intelligence. In fact, I’ve never heard anyone even mention it.

Man who sinks into woman’s arms, soon has his arms in woman’s sink. – Confucius

Best man speech: Tim and Patricia, what a wonderful day it is to be getting married. As we all know marriage carries many new responsibilities. Patricia, from now on, you must never argue or even disagree with Tim, because as we all know he is now the head of the family and the king of his castle. You must keep your hair, makeup, and clothes perfect at all times. You should always cook Tim’s favorite foods and encourage him to go out with his friends often. Do these few simple things and you will surely be blessed with many years of happiness. (Pause to let it sink in) Patricia, I know that Tim loves you very, very much… (Slight pause) because he spent a long, long time writing this speech for me. Congratulations to you both!

Marriage is a 3-ring circus - engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don't like to interrupt her.

My Wife Says I Never Listen, Or Something Like That.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won’t stop to ask directions!